Anyone else struggle to make/keep friends?

[viki.adams1984]

I'm not sure I am in a position to give advice at the minute but I will say this - you are among friends here. You stick around long enough and you become part of our family!

Sounds like wonderful advice thankyou

[JulieK]

I struggle to make long term friends. The ones I tend to keep are my husband and my dog!

I have fibromyalgia so like with PCOS I understand the "it's in your head" attitudes that come with invisible illnesses (by that I mean ones that people can not see easily from the outside). It sucks. Especially when it comes from friends whomshould take you as you are.

I am an odd ball in that I am reasonably happy in my own company

Julie

[Sheepish]

Note, this is more a random musing / rambling and not so much a direct response to the OP, but I've very introspective as of late and (hopefully) there may be some nuggets of usefulness in there somewhere...

I too struggle to keep friends, and after years of self reflection the best advice I can give is this: even the best and closest relationships have an ebb and flow to them. Life happens, and even your best and closest friends, families, and even boyfriends/girlfriends will have times where things just happen and they can't be around as much as they were before. My two best friends are practically siblings to me, and yet it can be months without seeing or hearing from them, because we all have our own things going on. I know they don't struggle with the situation as much as I do, and it took me a long time to become confident in the fact that our friendship was never in danger of ending, our friendship is a tight as it ever was. Similarly my relationship with my boyfriend, sometimes he works darn near 24/7 and I just don't get to see him. We text every day, but finding time to be together can be a struggle. I think five years ago, I couldn't have been in a relationship like this, for the same reason I struggled for a long time with my friends. When you go a long time without seeing someone, you can begin to have doubts, fears, whatever. and while it's perfectly normal to have those thoughts, if you dwell on them too long you start believing the friendship is failing, and then more often than not without realizing it, you make it happen. While I'd like to say a true friend would never make you feel that way, well a true friend would never mean to, but they can't see things from your perspective either. You can tell them your feelings and what you feel you need, but you have to find the balance between asking that and accepting that they may not always be able to meet all your needs. i know it's scary and the natural thing to do is hold on tight, but if you let the natural ebb and flow of a relationship just happen, I think it forms a much stronger friendship in the end.

[Sheepish]

Also, to anyone and everyone on the board, I've struggled through depression and loneliness most of my life, if anyone ever needs an ear, feel free to send me a private message. I'm not any sort of professional, just a good listener, and while I can't guarantee to respond quickly, I'll never ignore anyone who needs to talk.

[BooChocoBoom]

For me, it's not necessarily the making friends that is the hard part but the keeping of them. I am fantastic at meeting new people but I've met so many that I just don't have enough time to hang out with all of them which, of course, has it's own pitfalls. Some groups get jealous while others just don't think to invite me to things since I'm "always busy". I haven't always been this way, though. I am an introvert by nature that has learned how to be extroverted (it's possible, folks!). It takes SO MUCH energy to do that I had often found myself burnt out by crazy packed weekends. So I've since made sure to plan at least one day as decompression and truly have to make sure that I am taking care of myself. There are a select group of fellow "survivors" (those that are just as damaged as me) that I consider the inner circle, the ones that I will drop everything for if they need me. I will say that things started to change for the better for me when I realized that I just couldn't keep relationships that were bad for me, no matter how much I wanted to help them (I have a HUGE superhero complex). It doesn't help me in the long run and it certainly doesn't help them see what a terrible person they are if you keep putting up with/supporting their habits. If they are truly a friend, they will come back after they get their act together. If not, then they weren't really a friend, they were a user. I've gotten used a lot, unfortunately. People take advantage of my general good nature and it hurts. Finally going to therapy is helping me to work out better ways of dealing with that damage and with my overbooking issues.

Just as others have said, I am a wonderful listener. I've also had anxiety and depression issues for most of my life (for which I am finally getting help) but it DOES get better. Surprisingly, I've also always been an optimist...just maybe not always for myself. I'm a great cheerleader when it comes to my friends and their talents/hobbies. So if you need some positive thinking or some advice or just a friendly ear, I am here. I love this little community that we've created and I at least lurk everyday. I will happily friend you on FB if you PM me with deets.

[Remy]

I do love this community. It's almost like we're all on the same massive boat even if I'm usually in the shadows just watching quietly dealing with my own issues. I'm usually very weary talking to new people due to being too *bleep*'ing nice for my own good I get walked on but here there's no worry. No one here is just out for what I can do for or give them. I'm not constantly waiting for the knife in my back or the boot to drop. It's refreshing and peaceful.

Spoiler

I've been through a lot of crap most of my life: abuse (physical, mental, neglect, sexual, abandonment), being suicidal and being a cutter, health issues no one took seriously (heart murmur that led to heart attack at 24), and several other things.

I have trouble letting people in and tend to withdraw when over loaded with stress. I also have a warped dark sense of humor which can make me come off as weird or awkward but I'm a marshmallow seriously. I also can't stand anyone else hurting so feel free to pm me if any of you need a shoulder. I'm usually lurking around.

[viki.adams1984]

Thanks everyone, it's so nice to know I'm not alone, I think half my problem is I believe too much in Hollywood friends so to speak, I would love nothing more than girly sleepovers, coffee mornings or friends over for drinks and not judging me or my family because we aren't loaded with mo EU and don't live in the nicest area in town (our area is the nicest part of the area though but we just don't gave the money to put into the house and garden to make it look like it could) so the only real life friend I do have tends not to come in or won't stay long, and on the rare occasions we do go out with them it's only ever to their house, they won't come to ours. I try to be the friend I would love to have but it does seem like it gets taken for granted, my crafting friend will talk for hours and hours about herself and her problems (not finding herself a boyfriend is the main one) but takes no interest if I'm having a bad day, I feel like I'm constantly counselling her and it's making me even more stressed. Rant over there sorry all!